Expectations and Disappointments

Sometimes I struggle with disappointments. I have an expectation of seeing one thing happen, yet another thing happens. This occurs in life, and in my marriage. I’ve often tried to change myself so that I would be empty of all expectations, and therefore have no disappointments. This was a topic the Lord shared with me on, and I’d like to pass this lesson on to you. For it has everything to do with godly love, and changed my frustration over having expectations.

Yesterday I was grappling with feelings of disappointment in my husband. I realized eventually that I probably wanted my mate to be or do something he may never be or do. Initially I had felt the pain of disappointment. But in prayer, and through grace, this pain gave way to a deeper commitment to love my partner. It was one of those days where I resolved not to be disappointed, but to love. I wanted to erase all expectations I had of my husband, for then I would never be disappointed. “I wish I could see like you do,” I whispered to God. “You never have wrong expectations.”

“But I do have unmet expectations,” came His reply. “I know every child’s potential, yet very few have the faith to reach it.” He went on to say “Human love seeks to have no expectations in order to have no disappointments. You want to eliminate all frustration and anger from your marriage so that your love will grow and deepen. That is earthly love.”

I sensed that there was a much deeper well to draw from than my meager earthly love, as the Lord’s thoughts continued to fill my mind. “My love can have unmet expectations and still love. It fails not, even when I see My most gifted men waste their lives. Because I have expectations I can see the potential for growth, for I know what I put in every man’s heart. I can give him dreams and words of encouragement, believing he will overcome all obstacles to win his race.

“Your love can be like Mine,” He continued. “You can love people when they disappoint you, encouraging them. It is not My way to say ‘Don’t worry about it,’ and dismiss a loved one’s failure. But I would say, ‘I sense you let yourself down. Let me help you up.’ This validates their sense of worth and says ‘I respect you’ louder than comfort of the flesh. If you really want to honor your husband, expect what I have put in him to come alive. Pray for his complete destiny to overtake him, and give him words of encouragement. Should he fall short, love him like I do, not only with commitment, which comes from your will, but with delight and excitement, which comes from a heart alive.”

This morning I thought about how expectations are similar to hope, love and faith. When we believe that our mates have a certain quality, we both hope for it, and have faith in its existence. Though we do not see it yet, we wait for it (Romans 8:25). It is the nature of love to believe in what our God has put in our mates (1 Cor 13:7). Somehow I have thought of expectation as being wrong, as if I was austerely requiring an unobtainable behavior or action from my husband. But expectation is built on divine insight into the goodness God has placed in our husbands’ hearts, and suffers disappointment willingly, not just with the commitment we can bring up from our wills, but with the fiery, alive love held in the bosom of God. That’s the kind of love I want.

Are we capable of wrong expectations? I’m sure we can be. After all, if we do not check our agenda at the door as we walk into relationships with the Holy Spirit, we will be influenced by what we want out of the relationship. But if we walk with the Spirit into all our relationships, setting our agenda aside for His, we will love with godly love. It’s like an adventure waiting to happen.